Relationships

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Would I Lie To You? Secrets And Lies

This is a very, very sensitive topic. I am compelled to write about it as I believe we are seeing changes to patterns in relationships that, quite frankly, scare me.

You see, I am a bit of a romantic and I believe in love. I’d shout it from the rooftops – “Love is all that matters” – and yet we are seeing a disregard for the sacred beauty of romantic love.

This is where my touchy, sensitive topic comes in.

Lies.

Have you been lied to in a love relationship? Cheated on? Been the cheater? If any of this is true for you, you might now be thinking – Do I want to read this? This might be hard for me? Well if you are asking these questions I implore you to read on. This is not a blame or shame forum. Push back the bad feelings. This is about love and the most important ingredient in any love relationship is respect. Respect for yourself and respect for the other person.

At the moment I am having a Paulo Coelho phase in my life. I think this man is pure love and genius. Now I have never met him (I wish!) but his books ( I can’t get enough of them) have taken me to places that have challenged my stereotypes, beliefs and sometimes my values. This quote is the greatest truth I have ever read.

“If you want to be successful, you must respect one rule. Never lie to yourself.” – Paulo Coelho

I take this as saying, you can lie to others but you can’t get away with lying to yourself. The truth will set you free.

Lies are dangerous, though maybe not for the reasons you think.

Firstly, if you feel you have to lie about something what is stopping you from telling the truth? Is the truth likely to cause greater harm than the lie? We all tell lies even little “itsy bitsy” ones. Some people might say there is no such thing as a little lie – lies are bad news. Others might say – “oh what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him” – or – “If she knew the truth she’d be angry” or so on and I think you can get the drift here. We can justify lies as a way of keeping the peace or a way of doing what we want without regard for others. Often our personal values guide the choice to lie or tell the truth. Sometimes it’s our instinctive need for survival. Lies are complex!

For me, I’m not so rigid about little lies. Sometimes lies are important to protect us. But the non-negotiable here is that I must own the lie. What I mean is that I recognise that I am not being totally honest about something but there is no value to myself or the other person in expressing a truth in some situations. I reflect on the lie, how it makes me feel and make a decision about how I want to act in the future.

Perhaps what I’m saying here is that there are degrees of lying. Innocent to evil. That’s a big leap with a lot of territory in the middle. It can be a slippery slope! When I talk with couples about lies I often refer to a book “Tell me no lies” by Bader and Pearson. They will tell you that lies are corrosive and can wield tremendous power in a relationship.

Of this I am certain. The BIG LIES. When you lie to your lover – they know it. “But how?” You might ask. Instinct, connection, that gut feeling.

Then comes the vigilance and the denial and sometimes the projections of blame and shame. But you know; but you’re not sure what it is you know.

Please trust me on this.

For whatever reason you need to tell a lie, remember that you may be doing harm to your beloved. Damage to your relationship.

They will know something is wrong but will not know what it is or how to deal with it. They will internalise this strange feeling and start to question themselves. And eventually they will not trust you or themselves. This is the tragedy of a lie.

Please, I am not suggesting that we all need to be totally honest all the time – that would be impossible. It’s okay sometimes to agree when we would like to disagree; to pay a complement that we might not mean; to encourage rather than discourage.

Truth is courage. Live your truth and speak your truth and hear your truth. This is love.

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